Just a Little Bit of Your Heart
by VeVe2491
Summary: Austin squeezes his eyes shut for a second as though he's in pain, and Dez fights hard to swallow the lump that's formed in his throat because suddenly he knows this next part can't be good. "'Because if you love two people at the same time you should choose the second one because if you really loved the first one you wouldn't have fallen for the second.'"


**This story is my baby.**

 **Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

* * *

 **Just a Little Bit of Your Heart**

The guilt is what gets him. The horrible, gut-wrenching, stomach churning, guilt.

For weeks Dez walks around with a frog sized lump lodged in his throat. For months he silently deals with restless nights and days spent with his back against a wall. He can't go anywhere, can't do anything, through fear of being seen.

To begin with the thrill of getting caught had made him giddy, excitement shooting through his veins like rockets. He'd gotten off on the need to be discrete, off of stolen kisses and elaborate lies. Somehow, without his permission, it had become more.

What begins as a release, a way to rid themselves of their taboo tensions, becomes Dez's equivalent of shooting up heroin. It's stupid, it's reckless, but it's everything.

He likes the way the world looks now, soft around the edges and eternally sunny, but he knows it won't last, knows it will be snatched from his grasp at a moment's notice. By now he should have accepted that, been okay with it, but he's not, it gets harder with every fleeting kiss.

* * *

"I'm incredibly fond of you," Dez says, voice little more than a whisper.

"I'm fond of you too," Comes the reply and the words leave a pleasant hum in Dez's chest, smile forming on his lips.

It's the middle of the day and they're being foolish. They both know better than to take these kinds of risks, they could be caught by anyone, but they do it anyway. Dez has known for a while that the buzzing in his chest and the constant need to fly into the sun is no longer to do with breaking the fundamental rules of society, but instead is about the close proximity in which the two boys are currently sitting. If he closes his eyes he can almost pretend he's not a dirty little secret.

A thumb brushes over Dez's knuckles and he finds himself relishing in the tender touch of milky skin. The other boy's hand is warm, a sharp contrast to the numbing cold of Dez's own slender digits. Their hands fit together perfectly, like the last two pieces of a grand puzzle. Dez is beaming, and when he notices the other boy offers up his own smaller, and always softer, smile.

Around them mall patrons pass by, not one of them offering even a glance towards the two boys huddled together in a corner between TechTown and the abandoned Coffee Kiosk. They're on the other side of the mall, a considerable distance between themselves and the Music Factory, they're safe, for now.

The pair sit in amicable silence, one boy watching his phone and the other admiring him as he does so. Dez can't help it, has been called out on it and teased mercilessly by Trish, but he's honestly convinced the boy before him, _his_ beautiful boy, is the eighth wonder of the world. He's certain the boy was carved by the hands of Michelangelo himself, and he wants to reach out and trace the gentle slope of his nose and count every barely there freckle that's dashed across his cheeks.

"Have I got something on my face?" The boy asks, staring at Dez with wide eyes and a confused smile.

Dez can only provide a snorted giggle in response, embarrassment colouring his face and the tips of his ears. The other boy replies with yet another affectionate grin.

With the exception of the ever present buzz of the mall around them, the duo are once again bathed in silence, the only conversation still ongoing being held between their eyes; it's taken years of practice but they've finally mastered the art of wordless communication.

They're leaning in, and Dez has always sworn the other boy has his own gravitational pull, that people can't help but charmed by his kind eyes and sweet disposition. The hand clutched in his own tugs him forward, bridging the miniscule gap between them and effectively sending Dez into cardiac arrest. He loves it.

The other boy's lips are soft and warm, moving against Dez's own. There is no tongue but the taste of cinnamon and nicotine is maddening and leaves Dez yearning for more. He pulls the other boy closer, running a hand through bottle blond locks, pressing their lips harder together, desperately in need.

The kiss becomes impatient, both boys hungry for something more. Dez's heart is pounding in his chest, he can hear it beating in his ears. Dez fists his hands in the boy's hair as he feels strong hands grabbing at his waist, no doubt leaving behind tiny finger shaped imprints in their wake. He wants nothing more than to slide his tongue in the boy's mouth and climb into his lap, (he'd also be extremely happy with wandering the mall hand in hand for the rest of eternity), but they're in public so they can't risk it.

Their lips separate with a sloppy smack, Dez left feeling dazed by the sudden lack of pressure on his lips. He adjusts himself awkwardly in his seat, uncomfortably aware of the tent he's pitched in his pants. He frowns in displeasure as he notes the blond boy fiddling with his phone.

A second later the boy looks up at him with a sheepish smile, eyes not nearly as apologetic as Dez would like them to be. "Ally just text me… she's got an idea for a song." The boy doesn't wait to hear Dez's reply before he gathers his backpack and pulls himself to his feet. "I'll talk to you later, okay? Cool."

And he knows he signed himself up for this, knows that though they went undiscussed that the terms of this affair were made clear from the start, Dez can't deny the ache in his chest as he watches the boy of his dreams saunter away.

"Bye Austin." If his voice cracks then it's no one's business but his own.

* * *

"Are you happy?" Dez asks, crystalline eyes focused on the sidewalk beneath his feet.

The other boy doesn't answer immediately and when Dez glances up to make sure he's still listening he finds himself captivated by the picture painted before him; Austin's cheeks are hollowed around a cigarette as he inhales a toxic concoction of certain death. He's beautiful.

In one easy exhale Austin send plumes of smoke swirling into the atmosphere, silver fumes dancing in the air before blending into a cloudy grey backdrop. Despite his girlfriend's strict anti-littering policy Austin doesn't even flinch as he casts the stubby remains of his death stick to the ground and grinds it out with his designer sneakers.

"I suppose, sometimes," Austin shrugs, stuffing his hands into his pockets. The November sun is weak in the sky but Austin still squints in the harshness of its glare. "Why?"

Dez opens his mouth to speak but is left momentarily overwhelmed by Austin's suddenly close proximity as he takes a seat beside him on the wall, shuffling closer to preserve warmth. For a second Dez forgets whatever doubts that have been running through his mind and he leans in, resting his head atop Austin's, fiery red melting into icy blond.

Once their comfortable, or as comfortable as they can be whilst sat on a freezing cold wall in the coldest November Miami has seen to date, Dez begins again. "Why do you smoke?"

"It's just something I do."

Dez rolls his eyes at the answer but chooses not to dive straight into a lecture on the terrible side effects of such a dangerous habit. "If you're happy then why would you choose to shorten your one shot at life?"

Austin snorts. "Are you high right now? Did you score some pot and not tell me?" The younger boy's arms reach around to prod at Dez's soft sides and the older boy has to resist the urge to giggle; he's trying to have a serious discussion.

"I don't do drugs, Austin." The ' _unlike you_ ' goes unsaid. "I'm just saying that if you only live once, and I swear if you mock me for the use of 'yolo' I will punch you, then why would you want to waste your time hurting yourself when you could be spending your time doing something productive, and less harmful."

"You're starting to sound like Ally."

There's a dreadful pang in Dez's chest, like he's just been stabbed through the chest with a rusty spoon. If possible in the already freezing weather, Dez's blood runs cold and he's reminded of last summer when he and Austin stood in his backyard and did the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge together. Like that day, it's only the brush of Austin's hand on his waist that returns him to the present, anchoring him to the land of the living.

"How are things with Ally, by the way?" Dez inquires though he's not sure why he's asking, perhaps he's a masochist.

Austin turns to look at him, eyebrows raised in surprise. Dez can't blame him for looking so shocked, it's rare they talk about Ally these days. In the beginning it hadn't been so bad, Dez had supported the relationship wholeheartedly, even going as far as to make t-shirts supporting the couple on their romantic endeavours, but then Dez had stumbled his way out of Narnia and right into his best friend's arms. It had all gone to shit from there.

The blond frowns, feathery eye brows knitting together like two caterpillars meeting on the same narrow path. "Things are okay, I guess. We're still arguing a bit."

Dez nods as though he understands but he doesn't, not really. For one thing the only relationship he's ever been in had been with a girl who apparently liked girls, much to his astonishment (not that he minded being a skirt in exchange for having a beard; Carrie was great fun), but secondly, he's never been able to comprehend couples that constantly argue. If you hate each other as much as you claim to, why are you still together?

The thing with Austin and Ally is that he's never seen couple argue more. In fact, the only people that have the duo beat for number one contender in fighting are himself and Chuck. Just this morning Dez (despite the guilty nausea crippling his insides) and Trish had met up with the pair for breakfast and the group had been unceremoniously banned from the Melody Diner after Austin and Ally's screaming match had ended in Ally pouring maple syrup over Austin's head.

"I knew that much. I meant…" Dez trails off because there's not really any point, is there? Asking such questions will only reopen wounds Dez is trying desperately to keep sealed shut. He's never going to get the answers he wants, so why ask?

Austin prods him with his elbow, bony joint nudging encouragingly at his ribs. "No, go on." And how can he not continue? The blond haired beauty is everything to him and the playful curiosity that swims in his eyes is enough to make the older boy weak at the knees just thinking about it.

Dez heaves a heavy sigh, eyes flicking upwards to the sky as if asking why the universe has decided to torment him so. "I guess the issue that I'm having is… If you're happy with Ally, truly and utterly happy, then why do you argue so much?" That's not what he wants to say, of course, but it's the best he can do.

Austin doesn't reply straight away, instead he looks at him, stares at him as though he's seeing every essence of Dez's being, as though he can finally see the guilt and shame that oozes from his pores. In a blink Austin's expression is blank and he turns away. "Just because two people argue a lot it doesn't mean that they're unhappy. It's the same as when there's a storm, you don't assume the sun is never going to shine again, do you?"

"If things are so great with Ally why are you here with me?" Dez asks though he regrets his choice the second the words leave his mouth. His hand flies up to his lips as if to catch them as they fall but the words are already floating in the air around them.

There's no mistaking the frown that contorts the younger boy's features and there's certainly no mistaking the fact that Dez has most definitely crossed a line as Austin abruptly stands and walks away. There's something clawing at the back of Dez's throat demanding he speak up and plead for the boy, _his_ boy, to return. He says nothing.

* * *

"Kiss my sweaty balls, you ginger fuck!"

A loud explosion ricochets off of the walls of the tiny bedroom as Dez drops his remote to the floor conceding defeat. On screen a purple lizard dressed in a violent orange jumpsuit dances in triumph around the lifeless body of Dez's level forty seven warrior kangaroo. The fight had been exhausting and Dez's fingers ache from the constant smashing of buttons, evidently the same cannot be said for his companion.

Chuck, whose lizard continues to prance across the screen, sits beside him, a wide grin taking over his face. "How many times have I beaten you now? Twelve?" His body shakes with laughter, he even goes as far as wiping a tear from his face, before he realises Dez isn't laughing along with him, nor has he picked up with their usual friendly banter. "C'mon, Red. You're not seriously that sore over this are you?"

Dez shrugs because he doesn't really know how to respond. Truthfully he couldn't care less about his kangaroo's multiple, and horrifyingly graphic, failures, his mind has been stuck on Austin Moon all day. He hasn't spoken to the boy in a week and he's losing his mind, ready to start ripping his hair out at the roots because he doesn't know what to do. Austin won't answer his calls, his texts, he's even taking to closing his bedroom window at night to keep Dez out; that had hurt the most, Austin has always left his window open for Dez, ever since they were kids, regardless of how cold it got or how many bugs got in.

"Dez?" It's strange hearing Chuck refer to him by his actual name instead of a range of obscenities and curse words, or even the more endearing, 'Red'. Even his voice is softer, like he knows that this is something serious, and despite the reflection of the television screen on Chuck's glasses, Dez can see the concern edging through in his sludgy brown eyes.

"I think I've had enough of this for today," Dez mumbles, pulling himself to his feet and beginning to tidy up. There's not much to clean up today, usually when he hangs out with Chuck the duo make a mess of everything, more often than not they end up throwing their snacks at each other and Dez's room ends up looking like a Cheeto's factory exploded inside it, but today the floor is pretty much spotless and Dez is left feeling awkward now he's got nothing to do with his hands.

Chuck grimaces from his spot on the floor, he's leaning back against the bed as though he has no intention of leaving any time soon. He reaches for the television remote and mutes their game before turning to look at Dez. "Not so fast, Red."

Now it's Dez's turn to grimace. Chuck has used his catchphrase and ordinarily Dez likes it, it's a sign that the competition is about to get serious, that one of them is probably going to get beaten into submission, but today it's confirmation the Chuck isn't about to let Dez stew in his sadness any longer, that he's going to get to the bottom of this whether he likes it or not, and frankly Dez is scared.

"What?" Dez sighs, staring at Chuck with tired eyes. He knows that if he screams loud enough his mom will be able to hear him from where she's practicing her yoga in the backyard and that she could potentially save him from this awful conversation. However, he also knows that his mom is well aware of Chuck's presence and will simply put Dez's shrieks down to the two boy's friendship, normally she wouldn't be wrong.

"There's something bothering you," and Dez wants to clap because Chuck is really just stating the obvious. "Do you want to tell me what it is?"

"Not really," Dez offers him a sickening grin, showing off every single one of his pearly white teeth, before he launches himself into aimlessly shifting things around in his room. He's never been great at sitting still and its worse when he's stressed. He needs to keep himself occupied and so he begins by ripping every single DVD he owns off of the shelf in the corner of the room.

As Chuck opens his mouth to further his investigation into his friend's oddly solemn behaviour, something inside Dez snaps. With every DVD he tears from the shelf the need to throw them all to the ground grows, he can't get to them fast enough, his fingers aren't quick enough, he's not good enough. There's static in his ears and he's moving before he realises and in a flash the entire shelf comes cascading to the floor, cases of DVDs and games crushed beneath heavy oak.

The boys stare on in disbelief, neither quite believing Dez's behaviour. Chuck scrambles up from his position next to the bed, hurrying over to ensure Dez himself hadn't been hit by a stray book or movie. Dez holds a hand up to stop him, and they stand facing each other off, a mess of Dez's possessions between them.

"You need to leave." There's a lump forming in Dez's throat and there's a strange need to punch something throbbing in his fists. He's never been an angry person, his parents forever boasting about their happy, easy-going son, and so he doesn't know how to deal with the rage that's lodged itself deep within his chest. He'd like to let it out, would like to set it free like it's some sort of bloodthirsty animal caged in by his ribs, but he doesn't want Chuck to see him like that, doesn't want to hurt Chuck in the process. "You need to leave, _now._ "

"No."

"Chuck."

"Dez."

"Leave."

"No."

"FOR FUCK SAKE WOULD YOU JUST DO US BOTH A FAVOUR AND GET OUT!" The words escape Dez's lips without his permission. He's furious, can feel his chest heaving with every breath he takes, can feel his nails digging into his palms as his fists clench and turn his knuckles white. "FUCKING LEAVE."

To Dez's surprise Chuck merely folds his arms over his chest and parts his feet so that they're a shoulder's width apart, securing his space in Dez's room. "No."

"If you don't leave I'm gonna step over this shit, I'm gonna lock you in a fucking floatation tank and pump it full of sewerage until you fucking drown. Get out."

With a raise of an eyebrow Chuck somehow defuses the ticking time bomb that is Dez's body and the redhead drops to the floor, a heavy sob ripping through his chest and echoing around the room. As fast as lightening Chuck is at his side in a flash, slipping only once on a stray Zaliens DVD.

Chuck wraps an arm around Dez's shoulders, enveloping the boy's slender body in a tight embrace that if he hadn't been so distracted by his tears, would have shocked Dez immensely. This might be the closest the pair have ever been. It's weird but it's nice at the same time. It's weirdly nice.

"He hates me," Dez manages to choke out after a long while of silence and tears. "He hates me so much. I didn't mean to upset him but I had to know, you know? And the thing is, I knew that I shouldn't have said what I said, shouldn't have even though it but I went ahead and opened my big mouth anyway. Why am I so stupid?"

Chuck hushes him with soothing words and a comforting hand rubbing circles on his back. Slowly Dez's cries fade into quiet hiccoughs and Chuck determines that he is calm enough to be ushered to his feet and over to the bed.

Once Chuck is satisfied that Dez is safe and not about to freak out again he steps out of the room quickly before returning with a tall glass of water for his friend. "Drink this, you'll be dehydrated otherwise."

Dez mutters his thanks into his drink, too embarrassed to really say anything. Wordlessly he shuffles across on his bed, leaving enough space for Chuck to sit easily beside him. Placing the glass on the dresser next to the bed Dez finds himself yet again with nothing to do with his hands, thankfully he doesn't have time to begin his restless twitching for Chuck hands him a battered looking teddy bear and Dez finds his cheeks burning pink.

"He was a gift from my grandma," Dez says sheepishly as he places the bear in his lap, fiddling with its singular plush ear; he'd lost the other one in an unfortunate battle with Dez's dog.

Chuck nods, a tiny smile quirking at the corners of his lips. He's never been privy to such information before but considering the boy is coated in a thick layer of the taller boy's snot, Dez thinks it's about time he started treating Chuck like an actual friend.

"Couldn't sleep without him until I was twelve. I remember crying for hours when I left him at home once during a sleepover with Austin." Saying his name gets Dez's eyes glassy again but he can feel the warmth of Chuck's body beside his and knowing he has a friend, even if it is Chuck, makes him feel strong again. "I stayed awake for hours that night, tossing and turning until eventually I felt this lumpy flannel thing being pressed into my arms. Austin let me borrow his stuffed elephant, said he didn't like seeing me so upset."

"Did it help?" Chuck asks, voice tentative as though he is afraid of shattering the moment.

Dez shrugs. "Sort of. Barry the elephant was no Teddy but the sentiment of what Austin had done for me was what mattered most to me at the time, still does actually." He takes a deep breath, closing his eyes for a second because he knows it's time to come clean. Time to share his dirty little secret with someone other than his dog.

"Austin is a really good friend. I can see why you two are so close, he's always gone out of his way to make sure you're happy, huh?" The words are meant to be kind but instead they cut at Dez's skin like tiny knives, each of them hoping to wound deeper than the last.

"Yeah, he's great," Dez winces, fingers fumbling with Teddy's ear even more so, tugging harshly at the fur there. "And he makes me so unbelievably happy at times… yet so unbelievably sad others." His voice cracks and his eyes are swimming with tears again. He feels pathetic.

Chuck frowns, leaning over to wipe away Dez's hurt with the backs of his chubby little fingers. "What d'you mean?"

"I don't know where I stand with Austin. I don't even know what I mean to him anymore. All I know is that every time I think of him I want to be with him." He holds Teddy tighter to his chest, pressing the bear so impossibly close it hurts. "And I never know if it's going to work out but he's one person I'm willing to take the risk for."

"You're in love with Austin," Chuck states as though it is the most obvious thing in the world. The sky is blue, water is wet, and Dez loves Austin.

Dez snorts. "How can I be in love with someone who isn't even mine? He's _in love_ with Ally, remember? Ally's his girlfriend, Ally is the one that he holds hands with in public, Ally is –"

* * *

"So what's going on with you and Ally?" Dez presses, he's been sat at Austin's desk for hours editing the younger boy's latest music video and he's fairly certain the ' _The Way That You Do'_ is going to be their biggest hit yet.

Austin looks up from his spot on the bed, he's holding a new guitar in his hands, a gift from his parents for accomplishing what he set out to do and getting signed by the biggest record label on the East coast, Starr Records. "Nothing," He laughs as though Dez has just suggested they get matching Adam Sandler tattoos. "Why? You haven't been going through her journal again, have you?"

Dez shakes his head, saving his work on the laptop and turns his chair around to face the blond. "Not recently. Besides, I'm pretty sure if I touch her book again Ally is gonna punch me into paralysis. She's a feisty one."

Austin laughs again and gestures to the laptop. "Are you done?"

"Mostly, I've gotta run through the video as a whole to make sure it all works well together but as long as it all looks good I should have it up on the site tomorrow night. That's the time you tweeted out, right?"

"Yeah, but I'm sure Trish will double check for me again in the morning," Austin yawns and places his guitar on a stand near his bed. "I'm so tired, I can't believe Trish scheduled so many interviews for me today, can you? I think this whole Jimmy Starr thing might have gone to her head, but who knows, it might be good for her, encourage her to take on more responsibility as my manager now things are getting serious." Dez nods along with Austin's monologue on his budding career as he packs up his belongings. Hopefully he'll be able to finish working on the video when he gets home, that's if Didi doesn't rat him out to his mom for sneaking in late again. "Oh, are you leaving?"

Dez blinks in confusion. "I just thought –"

"I figured you were staying tonight, that's all," Austin admits, pulling his Electric Avengers bedsheets over his body. "I mean, you've got your pyjamas on."

Dez glances down at his fluorescent orange pyjama pants and equally bright t-shirt. He hadn't planned on heading over to Austin's so late but the boy had texted him as he was climbing into bed and Dez has never been able to say no to his best friend. "I haven't got my sleeping bag."

Austin shrugs. "You can share my bed with me, there's plenty of room." He pats the empty space next to him to further his point. The thing is the two boys haven't shared a bed in years, sure they sit on them together and occasionally Dez has been known to pass out in Austin's lap while watching a movie but it's been a long while since either boy has intentionally slept in the same bed as the other.

"Are you sure?" Dez glances out of the window and notes that it's definitely started to rain, consequently the prospect of Austin's warm bed becomes increasingly tempting. "I'm sure that if I run home now I can beat the worst of the weather." There's a clap of thunder so loud that the house shakes and that's the deciding factor really.

Carefully, Dez crawls into bed next to Austin, making sure to leave a healthy, Grand Canyon sized gap between them. He's planning how to fashion a barricade of pillows between them when he feels Austin's foot next to his.

"Can I help you?" He asks, turning his head to look at the blond.

Austin giggles quietly like Dez has just told him the funniest joke known to man. When Dez doesn't join in with the laughter Austin delivers a swift kick to his shins before reaching out and dragging the taller boy's body closer to his own. "It's cold and I don't bite. Stop acting like a child and cuddle with me. I promise I don't have cooties."

Awkwardly Dez wraps his long limbs around Austin, allowing the other boy to place his head on his shoulder and tangle their legs like pieces of limp spaghetti. "Better?"

"When you take the stick out of your ass and loosen up a bit I will be." Even though it's dark Dez can still sense the expression on Austin's face, can practically envision the sarcastic, shit-eating grin that's plastered on his lips.

"I hate you."

"No you don't."

"Yes I do."

"No you don't," Austin's sighs sleepily, snuggling impossibly closer, nose nuzzling relentlessly against Dez's painfully tense body. He snuffles as he attempts to get comfortable, air escaping his lips and tickling the exposed skin of Dez's neck. "In fact, I think you want me. I think you want me and that's the reason you're so stiff right now, because you're scared."

If Dez felt rigid before he's positively paralysed now. Something about Austin's words seems to strike a chord with him, tightening his chest and causing his blood to run cold. The thing is he's always known Austin was special, _always_. It's never been a question in his mind as to who the most important person in his life was because no matter what the answer was always going to be Austin. Everything was Austin for Dez.

Since the day they'd met, way back in kindergarten, Dez had taken to Austin like a moth to a flame. Wherever Austin went Dez was sure to follow. It went both ways of course. If you found Dez you'd always find Austin close by. The two were inseparable.

Of course, people grow older and inevitably grow apart, Austin and Dez were the exception to the rule. They grew together, they made each other better, stronger, happier. It was inevitable that once Austin found someone who was equally as important to him as his best friend was that Dez was going to be jealous.

Honestly, Dez considers Ally to be a wonderful girl; she's intelligent, kind, and one of the nicest people he knows, and yet he can't help but pick on her. He doesn't do it all the time, and he's not relentless in the same way Trish is when she picks on him, but he's nasty. He knows that the things he says to Ally can be construed as mean and often downright cruel but he can't help it, it doesn't matter how hard he tries or how desperately he works to make up for it afterwards, Dez can't stop himself from wanting to hurt Ally's feelings.

He's tried to deny it for some time now, taken on the approach that if he ignores _it_ , it will go away. It hasn't gone away and he's still mean to Ally and he still gets this weird fluttering sensation that makes him want to puke sometimes when he looks at his best friend but it means _nothing_ , it _has_ to mean nothing. Only it doesn't.

In his haste to pretend Dez has found himself forcing Austin and Ally together more and more often, on one occasion even attempting to lock the duo in the practice room together surrounded by dozens of scented candles and a cheese platter, that is until Trish had caught him and put an end to his madness.

"I don't want you," Dez says with a shrug, trying hopelessly hard to come across as nonchalant but the shrill pitch of his voice claims otherwise. "Why would I want you? I mean, you're an attractive guy, like a really attractive guy. You've got really nice hair that I'm sure tons of girls would like to run their hands through but not me, obviously, and you've got really beautiful eyes and –"

Dez could probably wax poetic about Austin for days, weeks even, and probably for the rest of his life, but he's cut off rather suddenly when something soft and wet brushes against his lips, effectively short-circuiting his brain and setting every nerve-ending in his body on fire. It's incredible and it's over a fast as it starts.

Dez first response is to laugh and he giggles so hard his sides start to ache before finally manages to breathe out, "Did that really just happen?"

"Did what just happen?" Austin yawns, but the twinkle in his eyes and the mischievous smile on his lips are answer enough.

Dez rolls onto his side, his body buzzing with elated energy. "If nothing happened then why are you so close to my face right now?" He raises a valid point as the two boys are pressed together with not even an ounce of room between them.

Austin hums as he leans forward stopping when there is only a centimetres space between his lips and Dez's. "Maybe this is just where I want to be." A tentative finger reaches out to touch Dez's hand, and as though it's slowly gaining confidence one finger becomes five before melding into ten as Austin intertwines their hands. "Maybe I always want to be this close to your face."

Dez swallows, his Adam's apple bobbing in his throat. "You do?"

"Yeah, I do."

And then their kissing again. He's fifteen and this is the first time he's ever used his mouth for something other than eating and talking, and it's strange, clumsy and wet but it's with Austin and Dez knows he wouldn't have it any other way.

* * *

"You've been in love with Austin for four years?" Chucks states incredulous. Behind his thick rimmed glasses Chuck's eyes are wide with surprise but they soon soften into something Dez thinks might be understanding. "I suppose that makes sense. Would explain your relationship with Carrie."

Dez glares but refuses to comment. His relationship with Carrie is no one's business but his own, thank you very much. "I haven't been in love with Austin for four years," he corrects, if he's going to tell this story then it's at least going to be accurate. "I think… if I'm being honest, I think I've been in love with Austin my entire life."

"That's a bit clichéd."

"But it's the truth," Dez pouts, indignant. He's beginning to wonder why he decided to confide in Chuck of all people but then there's a hand gently squeezing his elbow in encouragement and he looks up to see a set of kind brown eyes staring back at him and he knows he's made the right decision. "I've been in love with Austin Moon since he hit me over the head with his Electric Avenger's lunchbox on the first day of kindergarten. I just didn't know it at the time."

"So him being your first kiss confirmed it for you?"

"Not exactly…" Dez trails off. He doesn't know how to explain the following six months that were spent in a mess of self-loathing and trying to force his two friends together in an attempt to deny his own true self. "After that night we didn't really talk about it again, not for a long time. It wasn't until Austin and Ally got together and then broke up for the first time did Austin approach me about it."

"And?" Dez can't blame Chuck for being eager, even he knows his life has started to resemble that of a telenovela.

"I didn't want to talk about it, didn't want to be _gay_ , you know?" Dez admits, his features twisted in a painful grimace. "Austin came over about a week after they broke up, he wasn't too broken up about the way they'd ended things. In hindsight I think he knew they'd get back together, it was just a matter of time. He didn't tell me that though… So, as much as I kept trying to push these _feelings_ away, it didn't help. The more time I spent with him, or even without him I guess, absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that crap, the harder I fell."

Chuck wraps a comforting arm around Dez's shoulders, drawing him into his chest. He thinks if it weren't for that simple act of compassion that he might have been able to hold himself together but as he inhales Chuck's cheap cologne and finds himself yearning for Austin's touch, Dez lets himself fall apart.

"I tried so hard not to love him, kept trying to push him onto Ally, onto anyone that would take him, so that I didn't have to deal with it anymore. If he was taken it would be out of my hands, if he was taken we could just forget about the whole damn thing," Dez scoffs in spite of himself. His younger self had been so naïve. "Time passed and he and Ally didn't get back together and this tightening in my chest every time I saw him kept getting worse and in the end I couldn't stop it anymore. In the end I just let go."

* * *

Dez hates sleeping on the tour bus, hates the rumble of the engine and the way it makes his bones vibrate late at night. Trish tells him to stop complaining and Dez can do little more than roll his eyes in response, it's not worth arguing with someone who only needs to blink too long before they fall asleep; he can't help but envy his friend.

Due to his inability to sleep whilst they're on the road, Dez finds himself awake at the earliest of hours with little more than the moon and late night TV to keep him company. He can't say he minds too much. However, once even Jimmy Fallon and Conan O'Brien have bid him goodnight there is nothing much for Dez to do other than look out at the stars and hope they can give him the answers he's spent the last year searching for. They never do.

The longer he's awake the longer he spends mulling over the things that he would ordinarily ignore. Like the fact that Jimmy Starr hates him, or that he sees very little point in being on tour the Full Moon Tour when both Austin and Trish have very little time for him as they're both always so busy fulfilling their own work commitments. What use does he have now Austin has professionals shooting his music videos?

The thing that bothers him the most, however, is not his nightly sense of loneliness or even his inability to grow chest hair (maybe Jimmy Starr hates him because he's a smooth as a fucking dolphin; supposedly the aquatic mammals are the music mogul's biggest fear), it's his confusion over his ever increasing feelings for his best friend, his _male_ best friend.

As he looks up at the dark sky, a blanket of diamonds twinkling down at him, Dez tries to think of all the reasons why he shouldn't look at his best friend like he'd hung the moon and the stars but he can't come up with any. He's spent the last four hundred and thirty five days (yes, he counted) of his life telling himself kissing Austin, _loving_ Austin, had been wrong, but now as he looks up at the world beyond the tour bus window he realises, the world had kept on turning.

One year, two months and nine days after what was arguably the greatest moment of his young life, the world was still spinning. Nothing had changed. The sky was still blue, the grass was still green and two plus two still equalled four. Most importantly, the feeling in Dez's chest, like he is a gun ready to explode each and every time Austin smiles at him, that feeling is still there, still just as strong. Nothing has changed.

Except now it has. Sixty two weeks and one day later Dez's world has finally changed, because he's _finally_ accepted who he is. He's Dezmond Hatfield Wade and he's in love with Austin Monica Moon.

With his hand pressed against the cold glass window, Dez closes his eyes and thanks the universe for this moment, for letting him be okay. He's just allowed a tear of relief to slide down his cheek when he hears a cough behind him.

Startled Dez rips his hand from the window and hurriedly wipes at his cheeks. "Austin," he squeaks, surprised to see his friend (also known as the love of his life, wow) watching him from the doorway. "What are you doing up? It's late, shouldn't you be sleeping?"

Austin shrugs, shuffling out of the doorway and down onto the couch next to Dez. "Not tired, I guess. It's hard coming in from a concert and heading straight to bed, too much adrenaline, you know?"

Dez nods in understanding. He may never have performed on a stage in front of thousands of people (thank goodness) but he does know the feeling of being too wired with excitement to sleep; he'd been overwhelmed with it exactly four hundred and thirty five days ago.

"What are you doing up so late?" Austin inquires, positioning himself so that he is facing Dez, his socked feet tucked away neatly.

"Couldn't sleep either. Guess I'm not used to sleeping on a moving vehicle yet, huh?" Though he has accepted his feelings for Austin, albeit reluctantly, Dez is still finding it difficult to look at the other boy. He tries hard to avoid his gaze.

"What are you looking at?" Austin leans forward, placing his chin on Dez's shoulder so that he too can get a good look out of the window. "It's too dark to see anything, isn't it?"

"You can see the stars if you look closely," Dez mutters through clenched teeth. He can feel Austin's warm breath tickling the side of his face and if he closes his eyes he can almost pretend they're back in Austin's bed all those months ago. "You could see the moon too earlier but I think we've turned on the road somewhere since then."

"Oh," Austin doesn't remove his chin from Dez's shoulder.

Neither boy says or does anything for quite some time, both choosing to remain focused on the cosmos. Unable to stand the silence any longer Dez raises his hand and points vaguely skyward. "My mom used to tell me and Didi stories about the stars when we were kids." Austin hums in interest, his lips painstakingly close to Dez's ear. "My favourite was Pegasus, if you look you can see the constellation there, see? It's supposed to represent the son of Neptune and Medusa who eventually became the horse of Zeus and the carrier of his lightning bolts and –"

Dez could probably talk about the stars all night, could tell story after story until each flaming ball of gas vanished from the night sky for good, unfortunately he makes the mistake of turning to look at his friend.

Austin, who had eventually pulled back from Dez, settling back against the couch, legs crossed and eyes attentive, was evidently perfectly happy to listen to Dez's stories. His lips upturned in an endeared smile as Dez jumps into the story of Pegasus.

Dez, however, pivots away from the window, ready to enthral Austin with tales of a thundering winged horse is stopped in his tracks as he looks back at the young blond. The man has no flaws, Dez thinks, as he pauses mid-sentence to take in his friend. The bus has just turned another corner allowing moonlight to spill in through the window, lighting Austin's golden hair up like a halo in the dark. Dez's mouth is dry and Austin fucking sparkles, his best friend is a motherfucking star, and Dez wants nothing more than to catch him and hold him in his hands.

Before Austin can comment on Dez's appalling storytelling skills, the redhead is surging forward in his seat, lips colliding with Austin's in a kiss that Dez likes to think says everything words can't. It's not suave, it's not careful, and it's sure as hell no cinematic masterpiece, but it's everything Dez has to give. Their front teeth clack together painfully and Dez goes to pull away in embarrassment but Austin holds him still, hands on his hips, tugging him closer, wordlessly letting him know that it's okay.

The voice in his head tells him they need to talk but Dez can't find it in himself to stop as Austin's tongue slides over his own. Blunt fingernails claw at Dez's back pulling him down so that he's led on top of the blond.

"Fuck, you don't know how much I've wanted this," Dez breathes between sloppy kisses. He positively blacks out as Austin's lips begin their assault on his neck. Between them he can feel Austin's cock pressing hard against his thigh, his body aches with the need to touch and be touched.

Being the stronger, more dominant, of the pair Austin flips them over with ease so that Dez's back is now pressed into the shiny leather couch. Their lips meet again, hungry and desperate, as Austin pins Dez's arms above his head. The young popstar pulls back to admire his art work on Dez's translucent skin.

"Gonna have a hard time explaining that to Trish in the morning," He smirks, pressing his fingers into the already darkening bruise.

Dez can barely remember what words are, let alone string together a coherent reply. "You're like a walking sexual fantasy," He splutters, eyes rolling back as Austin grinds down on him.

Wordlessly, for their mouths are once again preoccupied with swapping spit, they reach the mutual decision to rut against each other. Dez whimpering helplessly into Austin's mouth as he comes, the blond nipping at his neck, reminding him to be quiet.

With one last powerful buck of his hips, Austin follows Dez over the edge, his body flopping spent on top of the other boy. Around them there is silence, the only sound that of their panting breath and the ever-rumbling engine.

"That was..." Austin trails off, eyes glassy and body heavy with exhaustion.

Dez can't even find it in him to speak, scared that the moment he does he'll wake up to the cold harsh reality of being in unrequited love with his best friend. So he says nothing, merely holds Austin tighter. He feels as though his heart is ready to rip itself from his chest and into the boy on top of him.

"I should probably go wash off," Austin says quietly, and Dez is suddenly acutely aware of the fact that their pants are both sticky with come.

Austin crawls off of Dez and heads towards the tiny bathroom aboard the bus, Dez watches him go, noting with pride the way the other boy's legs shake as he walks. His eyes have just begun to droop when he feels something nudging at his arm.

"You need to clean up. I'm sure you don't want Trish to find you in the morning," Austin whispers in his ear. In his hand he holds a damp wash cloth. "I won't look if you don't want me to."

Dez snorts because they've literally just dry humped in the back of the tour bus, he's not sure they've got many more lines to cross. Once both boys are clean and the threat of Trish discovering their late night rendezvous has passed the pair curl up side beside beneath a shared blanket, drifting off easily to the sound of the other's steady breathing.

It's perfect.

* * *

"Wow," is all Chuck has to say. He's still got his arms wrapped around Dez, enveloping him in a way that makes Dez feel safe. "Just, wow."

"Yeah," Dez sniffles, burrowing his head further into Chuck's chest, clutching his teddy bear even tighter. He's never discussed that night with anyone, though he's sure Trish knows; she'd watched with curious eyes as the two boys ate their cereal in silence the next morning, smiling bashfully at one another over bowls of Fruit Loops and Cornflakes. "It was intense."

"No kidding," Chuck breathes and Dez doesn't need to look at him to know there's a shocked, but thankfully not appalled, expression decorating his pug-like features. There's a pregnant pause before Chuck continues. "So if you and Austin were a thing, why did he start dating Ally? And why are you breaking your heart over it now? Austin and Ally have been dating for over a year, your reaction is a bit delayed, don't you think?" There's a light-hearted humour in Chuck's voice like he's trying to ease the mood but Dez can't say it's helping.

"Austin and I weren't ever an official thing," Dez explains, thumbing Teddy's lone ear. He's itching to put his thumb in his mouth, something he hasn't done since he was ten and terrified his parents were going to get a divorce and take away his sister. He's pathetic. "He's Austin Moon, he can't afford to be gay. Hell, you saw what dating Ally did for his career, can you imagine the fallout if he'd not only been in a relationship but in a relationship with another boy? Jimmy Starr would have had a stroke."

Dez can feel Chuck nod above him and takes this as a sign to continue. He's not sure Chuck understands, his relationships have never been the most stable, but it's nice to know that someone, other than his mom, cares about him.

"Austin and I fooled around a lot in secret, and maybe somewhere along the way I convinced myself that one day we could be something more." He thinks back to the nights spent curled up in Austin's bed, their limbs a tangled mess and their voices little more than a murmur as they talked about their future together. His heart hurts when he remembers the words they'd whispered into each other's skin. "Obviously I was lying to myself… Anyway, despite the fact that ever other waking hour I wasn't with Austin, I was hanging out with Ally and Trish, people started to get suspicious."

"People?"

"Jimmy Starr." Dez frowns as he recalls the conversation he'd had with the man backstage at one of Austin's concerts; it hadn't been a happy exchange. Apparently there was talk on Twitter about Austin's sexuality and the nature of his relationship with Dez. "He gave me a choice, either I stop hanging out with Austin, effectively putting enough distance between myself and my best friend that the constant stream of questions and rumours would stop, or I stop 'acting so _gay_ '."

"So you decided to lie about who you were so that you wouldn't be forbidden from spending time with Austin?"

Dez sighs. When Chuck puts it like that it makes his life seem so much like a Lifetime movie special. "Yup, and then I met Carrie and the problem was solved." Their relationship had been mutually beneficial, not only had they both gained a lifelong friend but Dez had been able to protect Austin while Carrie had been able to hide her penchant for boobs from her strict Catholic family. "Of course it was hard trying to explain the situation to Austin, he tends to think with his heart, and in this case fists, more often than his brain. I think he thought he could help by dating Piper but then that got all kinds of messy, and I didn't even know about him and Ally until prom."

Chuck snorts but covers it quickly with a cough. "No offence, but… how could you not know? About Austin and Ally that is. I can totally understand the Piper thing, no one believed that façade but Austin and Ally... I kinda figured they were in love from the start."

Dez's heart sinks in his chest, plummeting somewhere in the region of his feet. The worst part is that he understands Chuck's point completely. Everyone and their cat had been sailing the SS Auslly since that first fateful day in Sonic Boom. It's just, he's been sailing the Good Ship Deztin for quite some time now.

"Austin didn't tell me that though," And despite the fact that he's upset over his lover's betrayal, there's some residual resentment that his best friend keeps secrets from him. "He didn't tell me anything, just let me believe that in the end it was always going to be him and me." Another rogue tear trickles down his cheek and he wipes it away in annoyance. "Obviously he lied. One second I'm dancing with Trish and then the next I'm watching Austin make out with Ally in the middle of the room."

Feeling Dez tense in his arms, Chuck begins carding his hands through the other boy's hair, an action which allows some of the anger to leave Dez's body.

"Did you talk to him after?"

Dez barks out a humourless laugh. "And say what? ' _Hey Ally, I know you have a tongue down your throat right now, but d'you mind if I step in and strangle Austin? Thanks_.' Yeah, I'm sure that would have gone down well."

"I didn't mean at that very moment, Dingus." It's almost scary how much Chuck sounds like Trish in that moment. "I meant did you and Austin talk about it at all? Or did you just stop fooling around?"

Dez blushes, he's not embarrassed to have misunderstood, he's ashamed to have admit that he and Austin most certainly did _not_ stop messing around. "Not exactly… We didn't speak for like a month afterwards, at least not properly. I've never hated Austin, not once in the entire time that I've known him, but that's the closest I've ever come. We spoke when we needed to, and it was always when we were around Ally and Trish. I think that if Ally hadn't been so caught up in the honeymoon phase of her new relationship then she would have noticed something was up; she's perceptive like that. Trish could tell though, she never asked me about it, I think she knew I was upset. After a month of my sulking and Austin walking around like he had a gigantic stick shoved up his ass, Trish eventually got fed up and got involved."

There's a noticeable change in Chuck's demeanour as he says, "What did she do?" Dez can't blame him for the increased interest, things are always way more exciting when Trish gets involved.

"As Team Austin manager she's in charge of our hotel reservations. Austin and Ally both had major performances lined up for the Tween Choice Awards in New York so we all flew out, even though I begged Trish to let me stay behind in Miami. Naturally she ignored me. Then in her attempt to force Austin and me into reconciliation she ensured that we would be forced to share a room."

"Oh."

* * *

The night itself has been tedious, Dez thinks to himself as he sips on his ice water at the bar. He's leaning against the polished marble counter top, propping himself up on his elbows as he surveys the room. It's fairly busy but Dez doubts that's out of the ordinary, no doubt it'll be busier once the Tween Choice attendees stumble back in various states of inebriation, none of them quite ready to let the after party truly come to an end.

Like the good friend that he is Dez had sat throughout the entire show with a pleasant and painfully false smile etched onto his face. He'd cheered and whooped alongside Trish as Ally's performance had come to a close; he may be mad at Austin but he can't find it in himself to hate Ally, it's not her fault he's broken hearted. He'd even clapped along with the rest of the audience as Austin had appeared on stage, ready to steal the hearts of countless young women and men across the country.

As Austin had begun belting out the first verse of one of his biggest hits, Dez's heart had clenched horribly in his chest and he'd had to fight hard to keep the bile in his throat from rising any further. Throwing an apologetic smile over his shoulder at Trish, Dez had hightailed it out of the Barclays Center as fast as his legs would allow.

After what had seemed like hours of aimless wandering Dez had finally found himself back at the hotel, and after realising Trish had his room key, he'd dragged his tired feet in the direction of the hotel bar. Ordering water had been the obvious answer, he'd not felt ballsy enough to try for something stronger.

He's in the midst of a conversation with an attractive older man when Trish rushes over, shoving him hard enough to send him stumbling to the floor.

"What do you think you're doing?" She seethes, little hands balled into menacing looking fists. In the hours since Dez had abandoned her at the arena Trish has begun to look a little worse for wear; her corkscrew curls are messier than he remembers, and her perfectly painted make-up is now non-existent. "Where have you been? Do you know how worried we've been?"

"We?" Dez asks, raising his eyebrows curiously. He glances towards his older companion who's staring at the Latina with thinly veiled horror written on his face. Further along the bar Austin and Ally stand watching the scene play on. Dez rolls his eyes. "Look, I'm sorry I left but I just… I didn't feel too good, alright?"

Trish scoffs, rolling her dark eyes so hard Dez fears they might fall out of her head. "But you felt good enough to sit here hang out in the bar?"

Ally steps over, placing a cautious hand on Trish's bare shoulder. "Maybe we should take this upstairs?" She says quietly, eyeing the room around them. They're attracting quite the audience.

Trish shrugs her off. "No! I want Dez to tell me why he thought it was okay to ditch us on the biggest night of your careers! I want Dez to tell me why he thought it was okay to run off on his own at night in the middle of New York City without telling any of us where he was going?!" If it was possible for looks to kill then Dez is sure he'd have dropped dead by now.

"I'm sorry," He says, and he means it. He didn't mean to worry Trish, frankly he's astounded she cares so much about his whereabouts. "I didn't think you guys would care…"

"Of course we care, Dez!" Ally says, clearly affronted by the accusation. "We're your friends and we love you. Why would you think we wouldn't care?" Her expertly plucked eyebrows thread together in concern and in the next second she's hugging him, obviously not bothered by the growing number of people watching them.

Dez doesn't answer her, just allows himself to lie limp in her arms. The attractive man is still watching them, eyes narrowed at Dez because the night has obviously gone in a direction he hadn't foreseen. _Yeah, you and me both_ , Dez thinks as he pats Ally's back awkwardly. Not that he'd had much of a plan for the rest of the night but he'd sort of assumed he was going to be spending it with the stranger in the suit, evidently not.

Eventually Trish concedes, her shoulders hunch in exhaustion as she drags her feet across the shiny floor before flinging her arms around Dez's lanky body. "Just please don't do that again, okay? I may not say it often but I do genuinely care about you, Dingus." She reaches up to ruffle his hair as though he is a dog, he smiles fondly and allows himself to revel in the affection. It's only as his eyes travel across the bar and catch Austin standing alone, wringing his hands in undeniable discomfort does Dez's heart stop preening.

Noticing the lack of a secondary male presence Ally follows Dez's gaze. "Austin, what are you doing over there? Aren't you going to join in?"

"Yeah, Austin, aren't you going to join in?" Dez repeats, only his voice sounds considerably more hostile than Ally's. He imagines the smile on his lips is too. "Plenty of love to go around. Some for me and some for Ally."

"And some for Trish!" The shorter girl huffs, twisting one of Dez's nipples sharply in playful agitation. "I'm short, not invisible."

Austin swallows, Adam's apple bobbing heavily in his throat. Dez's thinks of all the times his tongue had explored the column of his neck, danced its way across the pale skin there.

Slowly and stiffly Austin shuffles over, he eyes the group for a moment, face pinched as though he has just smelt a particularly foul stench. There's an exasperated sigh from Trish and then her arm is reaching out and yanking him into the hug. Suddenly Austin's face is far too close to his and Dez can't remember how to breathe.

"I think this calls for a celebration, don't you?" Ally laughs, her arms tightening for a second before she lets go entirely. "I'll go get us some soda," She grins, high on the excitement of the night and on the relief of finding their friend.

"I think that's my cue to leave," Comes the gruff voice of the man that had previously been flirting with Dez. He loosens the tie around his neck before downing the remains of his scotch. He turns to Dez, grey eyes drinking him in hungrily. "I'll be over there."

It's nice to feel wanted and Dez can't help but smile under the attention, and he almost explodes in delight as he notices the scowl on Austin's face as he watches the man saunter away.

His satisfaction is short lived as Trish smacks him across the chest. "Ow," Dez whines, rubbing his pectoral muscle in exaggerated agony. "What was that for?"

"That guy is at least ten years older than you!" Austin hisses, answering before Trish can even think to open her mouth. "Are you stupid?"

"Yes, he is," Trish says, holding her hand up to halt Austin's tirade. She frowns in confusion at the blond boy's behaviour. Dez knows Trish can tell there's something more to this story but he also knows that this tale is far too inane for her to work out. "But not because of that. I smacked you because you still haven't explained why you bailed tonight. However, Ally wants to celebrate so I'll let it go, for now. Tomorrow you and I are going to have a long chat."

Dez gulps because Trish can be a relentless interrogator when she wants to be; he still has nightmares of that day she destroyed his gingerbread family in an attempt to grill him for information. Before Dez can reply Austin jumps in again.

"How can you say that he's not stupid for flirting with that guy?" He stares at Trish in dismay. For the first time in weeks Dez can see his friend up close and his surprised by what he finds. Austin's hair is standing up at awkward angles and accompanied by the dark circles under his eyes he looks like he hasn't slept in weeks. His mouth is set in a thin line as his eyes search Dez's face looking for _something_. "The man is basically a cougar and he could do all kinds of things to Dez!"

Dez pauses for a second before answering. It takes a momentary internal debate for him to conclude he definitely wants to push Austin's buttons. The blond deserves it after the torture he's put him through. Secretly, he hopes after this he'll finally receive the answers he's been waiting for. "That was the plan," He allows a devilish smirk to play on his lips; at least he hopes it looks devilish.

"Excuse me?" He fumes. Austin's face contorts into something Dez can't describe but he thinks it might be jealousy, maybe. "What d'you mean, 'that's the plan'?"

Dez snorts, silently thanking his mom for forcing him through four years of summer acting workshops. "I mean exactly that. C'mon Austin, even you can work out what that means."

"So you're just going to sleep with him? A stranger. You're going to let a complete stranger _fuck_ you?!" Austin looks extremely distraught and Dez can't help but think it serves him right. Austin chose Ally, Austin chose Ally when Dez had handed him his heart and trusted him not to break it. Therefore Austin doesn't get a say in what, or rather who, he does anymore. "What is wrong with you? Are you insane?"

"No, just ungodly horny," Dez shrugs in his effort to seem nonchalant. His heart, however, doesn't appear to have gotten that memo for it is racing wildly in his chest. He thinks his nostrils might be flaring along with it too.

There's a beautifully blue vein throbbing in Austin's neck and every instinct in Dez is screaming out to lick it. The younger man's knuckles are white from where he's digging his nails into the palm of his hand, and Dez swears that if their lives were a cartoon there would been violent red plumes of steam pouring from Austin's nose and ears.

The boys are a second away from screaming at each other and Dez's mind is already reeling with other dirty and teasing phrases he could possibly throw at Austin, wondering which one will make him break first. There's a voice in the back of his head wondering when they became so toxic for each other but Dez's shuts it away in the darkest crevices of his mind. He doesn't need to deal with that tonight, thank you.

Much to the relief of the bar patrons closest to them, Trish steps in, placing a hand on either of their chests and pushing them away from each other. "Knock it off, both of you!" She demands, glaring at the boys she'd thought to be best friends. "I don't know what is going on with you, either of you." She shoots a disapproving glower towards Austin when he opens his mouth to argue. "But I know this has been going on for a month now and I'm sick of it. You two are best friends, you cuddled on tour bus when you were homesick! Dez, you love Austin." Dez's blood runs cold at the frightening accuracy of the statement. "And Austin, you love Dez." _Bullshit_. "Now for fuck sakes act like it!"

Before either of them has a chance to dispute the younger girl's claims Ally returns, hands laden with sodas of different colours and flavours. Instinctually Dez takes the pinkest one first, smirking at Austin over the top of the glass. _Gay enough for you? At least I'm not ashamed._

After their altercation Dez and Austin don't speak for the rest of the night. They both converse with the girl's easily but they ignore the other as though he isn't even there. Austin even goes as far as to pretend he can't see or hear Dez when the redhead asks for someone to pass him another cocktail umbrella; they can't drink alcohol but the bartender had been more than happy to dress their virgin drinks up as such.

Eventually Ally's eyes grow droopy and Trish is opening her mouth to yawn more often than she is to speak, and so the group decide it's time to head to bed. Stepping into the elevator Ally props herself up on Austin, using him as a makeshift pillow as they await the long ride up to their floor.

With a sleepy sigh Trish hands Dez his room key. "Try not to kill each other, okay?"

The doors ping and Trish steps out into the hallway beyond. "Come on, Ally, time for bed." Ally trudges out slowly, too tired to even offer Austin a goodnight kiss as she stumbles out. "You two are three floors up. I'll see you in the morning."

And with that the doors slide shut, leaving only Austin and Dez behind.

The duo walk in silence to their shared room. The room situation was yet another point on Dez's long list of reasons as to why he hadn't wanted to join Team Austin in New York in the first place. He'd known he was going to have to share a room with Austin, hadn't been able to understand why Trish couldn't have arranged four separate rooms for the group, Austin and Ally were celebrities for goodness sake, it was obvious they could afford it. As Dez slides the key card into the door it occurs to him that this might have been Trish's plan all along, to force them into a confined space to work out their issues.

It's only as the boy's enter their room and come face to face with their biggest problem of the night does Dez decide Trish it truly evil. "Fuck."

"There's only one bed," Austin states, his voice devoid of any discernible emotion. "One. Fucking. Bed."

"Looks like you're sleeping on the floor," Dez tells him, dragging his suitcase away from the door where it had presumably been deposited by a bellboy earlier in the day.

"No way! Why do I have to sleep on the floor? I'm the one paying for the room," Austin grabs his bag and in one quick motion the two boys are rushing towards the bed, fighting to claim it first.

As expected Austin gets there first, though not without pushing Dez out of the way.

"Ha! I win!" There's glee in his voice and his eyes are lighting up in a way Dez hasn't seen in weeks. He wonders if, for a moment, Austin has forgotten why they're fighting for the bed in the first place.

"Whoop dee freaking doo," Dez grunts throwing his bag to the floor in frustration. In their haste to reach the bed they'd forgotten to switch on the lights and so the only thing illuminating the room is the moon and the bright lights of the city pouring in through the floor to ceiling windows. "Have the bed then, Austin. Steal it like you do everything else."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Austin demands, rounding the oversized bed and moving towards Dez.

"Well you stole Ally's song and you stole my first kiss. In fact you stole a lot of things from me. Including this bed! I think the only person you haven't stolen anything from is Trish."

Austin stutters for a moment, like he's having a conniption. He pulls at his hair until it's standing pointing skyward, and then he laughs. He actually laughs. Only it's not happy and it doesn't make Dez feel warm the way it usually does. Instead the burst of sound it loud and harsh and it hurts Dez's heart to hear it.

"Why are you so mad at me? Shouldn't I be the one that's mad at you?" He sounds like he's trying so hard to be amused but he's coming across as confused and hurt and there's a ridiculous part of Dez that just wants to reach out and hug him. "Not only did you leave in the middle of my performance but you didn't tell anyone where you were going so we were all worried sick. I was so scared something had happened to you that Ally actually had to find a paper bag for me to breathe into." The insinuation that the blond had had a panic attack earlier in the evening and that it was Dez's fault pulls at the older boy's heart strings. "She's never had to do that for me. No one has ever had to do that for me, except you, and you weren't there! You weren't there, Dez."

Before Dez can speak up Austin has turned on him again, spinning around on his heel so that he's facing him, nose mere inches from his own. "And then you have the _audacity_ to flirt with that… that… _pervert_ and I just – I don't understand. What the fuck is wrong with you?"

He knows his mom has lectured him on numerous occasions about standing around with his mouth agape, something about swallowing flies, but Dez can't help but gawk at Austin in awe. "Are you fucking serious, right now?" Now it's Dez's turn to laugh in the same heartless manner Austin had. "I ditched the show because I couldn't bear to listen to you sing for someone that wasn't me. I flirted with that guy because it was nice to feel wanted after weeks of rejection from _you_. How dare you make me feel guilty for looking out for myself when that's all you've done for weeks. You're the one that didn't have the courage to be honest with me, to tell me you didn't have feelings for me and that it was Ally you've been in love with the entire time. You _used_ me and I let you. I wasn't going to let myself hurt like that again. So excuse me for allowing myself to open up and to enjoy the company of someone who isn't you for the first time."

Austin looks like he wants to disagree, like he wants to shake his head so vehemently that maybe it'll fall off, but somewhere along the line something goes wrong and all he manages to achieve is a small squeak from the back of his throat.

"You made me feel like a worthless sack of shit… like I'm only good enough when I'm sucking your dick." Dez spits but it's hard to remain merciless when tears start trickling down his cheeks. "And the worst part, the absolute worst part, is that I still fucking love you. After everything you've put me through, after all the hurt and the pain and the never ending heartache, I still love you more each and every fucking day. You're still my first thought in the morning and my last thought at night, you're still the person I want to wake up next to everyday, and you're still the one person that I would do absolutely anything for… and I _wish_ I could hate you for that, but I can't. I fucking can't."

Suddenly Dez isn't alone in his crying for Austin stumbles to the ground, dropping like a puppet with its strings cut, head in his hands and heavy sobs shaking his body. Dez can do nothing more than watch, helpless. He wants nothing more than to hold Austin, to make him feel better, to take away the hurt he knows his feeling, but he doesn't know if he can let go of his own hurt long enough to help.

Wiping away his own tears with the back of his hand, Dez crouches down until his butt hits the soft cream carpet. Awkwardly, and with a considerable amount of caution, Dez pulls Austin into his side and allows him to cry it out, using his shirt as a handkerchief.

"When did we get like this?" The younger boy snivels, voice thick with snot. "Trish was right, we're best friends, when did this all get so complicated?"

"You kissed me first," Dez says quietly, voice cracking around his words. "I've put myself out there for you, it's your turn, Austin."

Austin pulls away from him, movements slow. Their eyes lock, handsome brown meeting beautiful blue. It's as though time has stopped, everything moving in slow motion, as Austin leans in and brushes his lips delicately, and oh-so gently, against Dez's. Austin's lips graze his in a kiss that's as soft as the flutter of a butterfly's wings, and Dez finds himself shifting forward to reciprocate.

"That doesn't explain anything," Dez murmurs, eyes still closed because he's afraid that if he opens them he's going to wake up in the bed of the stranger from the bar.

Austin kisses him again, just as smooth and slow as the first time. "Maybe I just always want to be this close to your face."

Whatever was left of Dez's cold exterior, and whatever hurt and upset that had been pumping through his veins and invading his system evaporates in that moment for Dez breaks. His heart feels like it's shattered in his chest, and his body feels light as though it is going to float off into the night sky at any given moment. It's just like the first time.

Dez's fingers tangle themselves in the blonde's already unkempt hair, and Austin's hand trembles against Dez's cheek as he reaches up to cup his face. They exchange sweet kisses in the silence of their room, backs leant against the bottom half of the bed and skin glowing in the light of the moon.

"I might never be your knight in shining armour, Dez, and I may never be the one to bring you flowers. But if you'll let me, I can be the one tonight," Austin whispers between kisses.

Dez can feel the other boy's entire body quivering with trepidation as he pulls away. It's with apprehensive eyes that Dez searches Austin's face for any signs of an ulterior motive. He finds nothing but sincerity there.

"I might never be the hand you put your heart in, and you might not be the arms that'll hold me anytime I want them," With each singular word Dez can see fear seeping into Austin's eyes, thinks he can hear his crack piece by piece. "But that doesn't mean that we can't live here in the moment. I can be the one you love from time to time."

Austin's face erupts into the kind of face eating smile Dez hasn't seen in sometime. He doesn't wait a minute longer before he swoops in and captures Dez's lips with his own once more. Austin licks into Dez's mouth and Dez can taste the fruity drinks from the bar on his tongue. Dez wonders if his mouth tastes the same but with the urgency of Austin's kisses he finds he doesn't care too much.

The boys topple to the floor, Austin landing on his back with a muted _thud_. There's a giggle building inside him and he can feel Austin smiling against his lip as the absurdity of the situation but neither of them are willing to pull apart to laugh about it, Dez wouldn't take his mouth off of Austin for anything. The entire building could be engulfed in flames and he wouldn't budge because time spent doing anything other than kissing Austin is time wasted.

"Fuck, Dez," Austin kisses the corner of Dez's mouth and the edge of his jaw. Even though it's the fall and they're in New York City, Austin still manages to smell like a fresh summer breeze, and Dez wants to kiss him forever.

"Austin, I want –" He wants to taste every inch of Austin's skin, wants to lick his sweet like sugar lips until he's too exhausted to continue, wants to touch every inch of Austin's skin just to convince himself that he's real.

Their kisses grow increasingly needy as Austin rolls them over, caging Dez in with his arms. Dez bites his lip and grins up at him, his heart pounding so hard with nervous excitement he's concerned it'll damage his ribcage. He smirks mischievously before rocking his hips up the hard line of his cock nudging Austin's hip.

"Fuck," Austin's groans, his voice already sounding wrecked and his eyes squeezed shut. Austin leans in and kisses Dez again, his hands shaking as Dez opens up easily for him, mouth wet and warm.

However, the feeling of delight is lost amidst the slow, deliberate kisses Austin plants beneath his ear and down to his collar bone. Goosebumps appear on Dez's skin and Austin trails his fingers along them, a flicker of fondness in his eyes.

Dez shudders under Austin's touch. "I want you to fuck me."

* * *

There's a sharp intake of breath from Chuck and Dez can feel the hold the larger boy has on him tighten protectively. "Did you?" Chuck asks, and when Dez nods, eyes squeezed shut as he recalls the memory, Chuck cuddles him impossibly close and presses a kisses to his forehead. "I'm so sorry, Dez."

* * *

A low moan escapes Austin's lips and Dez can feel him nodding into his neck. "Yes, yes, definitely yes."

Quivering calloused fingers fiddle with the hem of Dez's shirt as the redhead releases a shaky breath. "Maybe this would be easier on the bed?" Des suggests, shy smile crawling onto his lips.

"Right, yeah, sure." Austin clamors off of Dez's lap, body practically vibrating with nervous energy. He holds out a hand to help the older boy to his feet and they both giggle bashfully as they stumble onto the bed. "You're beautiful," Austin tells him, smiling the secret smile Dez has grown painfully fond of, before yanking him forward and crushing their lips together once more.

Dez's fingers make quick work of Austin's pristine dress shirt, buttons small and easily freed from their loops. He stares in awe at the sight in front of him, his mouth becoming dry as he admires the smooth, unblemished skin. In a second he's surging forward, attaching his lips to Austin's collarbone, sending them both falling backwards against the firm hotel mattress.

Dusky nipples pebble and Austin's lips part on a moan as Dez's thumb brushes over one. "Stop, stop, you need to stop now or I'm going to come," Austin says through gritted teeth, squirming as Dez's tongue and fingers continue their assault on the most sensitive parts of his chest. "I thought only girls liked that?" Austin inquires through a breathy laugh as Dez pulls away.

"Evidently not," Dez smirks mischievously, flicking at Austin's nipple once more, reveling in the way Austin's eyes roll back into his head as he does.

"Two can play at that game," Austin threatens, taking care of Dez's shirt and tossing it to the floor with an easy flick of his wrists. The blond trails gentle kisses into Dez's pale skin, lips paying extra attention to a thin white scar at the juncture of Dez's hips; a souvenir of their elementary school years, an ever present reminder that not all souls are kind.

Dez shudders in delight as Austin sucks a nipple into his mouth, circling his tongue painstakingly slow around the hardened bud. Dez's fingers dig into Austin's fair hair, tugging his head back and away from his saliva glistening chest, before pulling him back in for a sloppy kiss.

When they separate Austin grins, "Guess it's not just a girl thing." Dez laughs loudly in response, loving how at ease Austin is making him feel.

His mouth is open, ready to throw out his own witty retort, but Dez finds himself effectively shut up when Austin's hands touch at his zipper. Blue eyes lock with brown and there's a moment of hesitation before Dez is nodding his head and Austin is receiving the consent he'd been waiting for.

Once Dez's pants have complete their descent down his legs, all that is left is a pair of straining green boxers. Austin eyes him hungrily and Dez feels his cheeks heat up under the other boy's gaze. Impatient, Austin pulls at his own jeans, struggling to free himself from the constraints of his sinfully tight pants. Dez giggles at the one sided fight, earning a playful glare from the blond.

Finally, once only Austin's vibrant pink boxers are left on his hips, Dez drags him forward so that their torsos are pressed together. They roll along the bed together, lips moving slowly together, performing the most intimate dance known to man.

Dez gives no warning as he slides down Austin's body and tucks his face between the boy's strong thighs. Austin's spine arches gracefully off of the bed as his cotton boxers are sucked and dampened over his straining bulge. A shiver rips through Austin, his skin shimmering with a fine sheen of sweat; Dez is overwhelmed with the urge to lick it.

Hooking his fingers into the waistband of Austin's boxers, Dez tugs and the blond raises his hips to aid the removal. Judging by the whimper that escapes Austin, the other boy isn't expecting it when Dez lowers his head and takes the popstar's length into his mouth. "Holy fuck," Austin hisses, hands curling instinctively in Dez's hair.

Despite the fact that they've exchanged messy blowjobs in the back of Dez's car on numerous occasions, Austin responds to every lick as though it is the first time he's ever been touched below the belt. It's been far too long since they've done this, Dez thinks as he sinks his lips down further, Austin's tip nudging at the back of his throat.

There's a clawing at the base of his scalp as Austin yanks at red hair, and Dez moan deeply around the cock in his mouth. Austin isn't prepared for the vibrations that surge through him and his entire body rises up off of the bed, toes curling in pleasure. "Fuck. Dez." The following pull of his hair comes more as an indication to stop rather than continue.

Dez pulls off with a resounding 'pop', eyes alight with lust and Austin's pre-come coating his lips. "Your mouth is obscene," Austin mutters, thumbing swiping at the white stain on Dez's lips, his brown eyes wide with wonderment and his cock still swollen and hard between them. "We need lube"

Blushing furiously, Dez scrambles off of the bed and over to his suitcase. It takes him less than a minute to find what he was looking for and return to the bed.

Austin smirks as Dez hands him the travel sized bottle. "Planned on seducing me the entire time, huh?"

It's difficult to hide the frown that pulls his eyebrows together and sours his smile, but Dez says nothing in reply. He couldn't have imagined tonight even in his wildest of dreams, the lube had been for himself, in case he got a moment in their hotel room alone. Arguably the current concept is far more enjoyable.

"I'm gonna take care of you," Austin whispers as he guides Dez onto his back.

Dez watches with interest as Austin inspects the bottle. It's obvious that the boy has very little idea what he's doing and Dez can feel his own body beginning to tense with an unexpected air of nervousness when Austin surprises him by finally uncapping the bottle. "It's organic," Dez hums as the lube is drizzled between his cheeks. He hisses as Austin thumbs the liquid over his opening.

"Is this alright?" Austin's voice is quiet as his middle finger grazes between his cheeks, Dez pressing down encouragingly against it, a soft noise falling from his mouth.

"Yeah," He exhales, feeling as though his entire body is on fire. Austin's finger eases inside of him and for a second Dez is certain neither of them are breathing. It's perfect.

Dez cries out weakly, legs spreading wider as Austin adds a finger, moving the digits in and out at a slow, steady pace. Dez's hips squirm down, hand reaching down to squeezing his leaking cock but his hand is batted away quickly by Austin. Fingers press deeper inside him and a needy whine catches in Dez's throat as Austin adds a third appendage and grazes over Dez's prostate.

"Fuck! Austin, _please_ , I need you inside me now. Please," He begs, grabbing the blond by the shoulders and pulling him into a searing kiss.

Somewhere in Dez's pleading Austin finds a renewed burst of confidence, pumping his fingers faster and harder now. "Okay, _baby_." And fuck, if that isn't the hottest thing Dez has ever heard.

The older boy releases a pathetic whine at the loss of Austin's fingers, but his mouth falls open as he watches Austin open the lube and stroke his cock twice before slicking himself up with the clear liquid. _Is this what he looks like at night when he's alone in his room_ , Dez wonders, transfixed by Austin's hand pumping up and down his own length.

Dez reaches over to grab one of the fluffy oversized pillows from the top of the bed, propping it under himself to raise his hips. "Are you sure you want to do this?" Dez asks, his voice already wrecked. His mind flits to Ally who's asleep right now with no idea what's about to happen, there's an awful part of him that takes satisfaction in that.

Austin shakes his head once in affirmation, pressing a quick kiss to Dez's lips, and as an afterthought begins peppering the other boy's face with them. "I have never been more sure of anything in my life," He says when he is done, body hovering mere inches above Dez's own. "I want this. I want my first time to be with you."

Dez positively preens when Austin says that; he'd felt certain Austin and Ally would have had sex by now, though the more he thinks about it the more the scenario seems unlikely. Ally seems like the type to wait until marriage.

As Austin returns to prepping him, fingers scissoring and opening him up, anticipation growing, Dez's blood runs cold. He feels as though he's been slapped; Ally is basically a nun and Dez, well, he makes Kim Kardashian look like Mother Theresa. Is that why Austin wants to sleep with him? Because Ally won't put out and Dez is easy.

Tears spring to his eyes and Dez is just about to shove Austin away, citing nerves as his reason before bolting out of the door. However, as he catches Austin's gaze and notes his warm brown eyes and the oh-so soft smile that so often leaves Dez's heart racing, he realises that there is no way Austin would use him like that. They may have had their issues over the last month but Austin cares about him, and right there in those eyes and even more so in that _beautiful_ smile Dez sees love, and that's all Dez needs to know this is right.

"Fuck me," Dez rasps, heart pounding in its newest realisation. He feels like flying, like if he were to jump out of the window of their fourteenth floor bedroom he would rocket into the night sky and live out the rest of his life amongst the stars.

Austin nods, swallowing thickly, his body screaming nervousness. "Yes, of course, yes." He holds Dez's hips, nestling his cock between the boy's cheeks. Austin's fingers trace over Dez's opening before he grips himself, the head of his cock pressing into Dez. Both boys gasp as Austin pushes forward, Dez arching his head backwards, legs tightening around the other boy's hips.

Austin gives his hips a few experimental thrusts, tempo slow and careful, as he leans forward and seizes Dez's lips with his own. Their lips are clumsy, kisses wet and increasingly messy. The air is heavy with the musk of sex but Dez swears it smells like sunshine on a summer day. He buries his head in Austin's neck as the other boy begins thrusting in earnest, savouring the scent of sweat, sex and the ever-present scent of cinnamon.

"So fucking hot," Austin grunts, ass muscles clenching as his balls slap against Dez's skin. "So fucking tight." He pulls almost all of the way out of Dez before pushing himself back in, sweat dripping from his skin.

Dez smiles into the following kiss as Austin's hips move faster and Dez's body bounces with each thrust. The bed begins to creak beneath them and Dez hears Austin release a breathy laugh at the ridiculousness of it all, Dez can't help but smile along with him. Their bodies are a mess of limbs, Dez writhing under Austin's weight.

Austin reaches down between them, grasping Dez's cock in his hand. He swipes his thumb over Dez's sensitive tip, and the redhead emits a noise that sounds like a whimper but is quickly swallowed by Austin's mouth.

Dez's body tightens around Austin. "I'm gonna come," The younger boy grunts but Dez nearly misses it over the white noise that's assaulting his ears. Austin spouts a steady stream of nonsense as he fights to keep going. Dez's hips buck of their own accord, all control lost. Austin's kisses become sloppy, lips puckering on whatever part of Dez's body is available at their angle.

"Come for me," Austin grunts, he sounds completely destroyed and it's music to Dez's ears. "Been wanting this for so long. C'mon, baby." That's all it takes to push Dez over the edge, his hands fisting at Austin's hair, his cries muffled by Austin's mouth.

Dez's cock spurts over Austin's fist, thick ropes shooting sticky patterns between their stomachs. Austin shudders and twitches over Dez, his hand tightening painfully around Dez's leaking cock, and then Austin is gone too, whimpering into the sweat slick skin of Dez's neck.

Austin slumps on top of him, and they're both panting, hot and sticky, cheeks flushed, eyes dark and minds dazed. Their breaths echo in the quiet of the room, their bodies still quivering in the afterglow, the taste of the sex tinged air and each other lingers on their tongues.

 _I love you_ , Dez thinks as Austin rolls into the space beside him and entwines their fingers. The blond is dishevelled, looking well and truly fucked. He turns his head to look at Dez, opens his mouth as if to speak but instead says nothing, allowing his small special smile to appear and do the talking for him. It says ' _I love you too'._

* * *

Dez is sobbing by the time he's done with his story and Chuck is squeezing his body like he's scared the other boy will disappear at any given second. His eyes are red and puffy, and his nose is sore from constantly wiping snot away. Every little wail makes it harder to breathe but Dez doesn't know how to stop and soon he's gasping for air. He's actually drowning in his own tears. He's pathetic.

"Everything was such a mess afterwards," Dez weeps, rubbing at his eyes even though he knows it will only make them hurt more. "I woke up later to find him smoking on the balcony. I did that to him. I caused that awful habit." He hates himself for that, knowing that one night with him has now shortened his best friend's lifespan considerably. More than that he hates himself for being so stupid, so naïve. "He was gone the next morning."

Chuck rubs his arm soothingly, pressing sweet kisses to Dez's temple. "Red, I had no idea. You and Austin just seem so close in school. Aren't you mad?"

"I wish I could be," Dez admits, ashamed that he's not burning with the fury of a thousand suns. "I tried to be but he'd smile that stupid smile at me again and I'd be right back where I started; hopelessly and irrevocably in love with Austin Moon."

"But didn't you talk about what happened? Didn't you ask him why he left?" Chuck asks, sounding anguished. He's mad on his friend's behalf, his hands shaking as he fights back his temper. "Even if he's not in love with you, he should have still had the decency to say goodbye. How can he call himself your friend, _at all_ , if he doesn't feel even an ounce of guilt over… over… over _hitting it and quitting it?!_ "

"No, we didn't. I tried but whenever we were alone he'd act like he hadn't disappeared, like he hadn't taken my virginity and left. When we were alone it was like everything I'd ever imagined a relationship with him would be like." Dez smiles as he remembers all the intimate moments he and Austin had shared. The smile disappears as quick as it came, slipping away as the memories grow spoiled. "Of course, every other time we were together it was with Ally and Trish or we were in school and it was like none of it was like waking up alone all over again."

"Wait…" Chuck pulls away, pausing to get a good look of Dez's face. His eyebrows are pinched together in bewilderment, meeting in the middle like two caterpillars crawling along the same stick. "Did you and Austin keep sleeping together?"

He can't find it in himself to speak so Dez simply nods.

"But isn't Austin dating Ally?"

Again, Dez can only nod.

"Austin is cheating on Ally… with you," Chuck states, words dripping from his mouth slowly as though he's having a hard time comprehending them. It's just as Dez is about to fold himself into the foetal position and cry himself into oblivion, Chuck's hold on him tightens once more as he says, "What a jerk! That guy doesn't deserve you, and he certainly doesn't deserve Ally. This is so fucked up, Red."

"You're not mad at me?" Dez murmurs, staring at Chuck in awe and having to consciously hold himself back from touching the other boy's face to ensure he's real. "Why aren't you mad at me?"

"We can't help who we love, Red," Chuck replies, southern drawl heavier than ever. "Remember when I was dating your sister?" Dez nods, how could he forget? "Well, Didi was great. Honestly one of the best girls I have ever met and whilst I loved her, and will always love her, I'm not in love with her. I'm in love with Sun Hee, and so as much as I wanted to be able to love Didi the way she deserved to be, I couldn't, and so we broke up. Do you get what I'm trying to say?"

Dez likes to think he understood Chuck's point, likes to think that it's what has brought him to this moment and provided him with the courage that bursting through his veins right now. He's walking at a speed he didn't know he could achieve through the mall, narrowly dodging crazy Christmas shoppers preparing for the winter holiday. He's on his way to confront Austin, his body feels lighter than its felt in a long while and he knows now that it's time, it's time to let go.

* * *

It's not difficult to find the popstar, especially as Dez knows his schedule like he knows the back of his hand. The Music Factory is crowded when arrives, parents clamoring over one another to arrange their child's attendance in the new year. He hears Trish before he sees her, she's bellowing at the crazy crowd of parents, demanding they take a number and wait patiently to be seen. Ally is hovering at a makeshift counter on the other end of the store, taking details from customers and advising them on next steps such as buying instruments and music books.

And then there's Austin, standing next to her, looking just a beautiful as the last time Dez had seen him. His heart clenches in his chest and Dez is reminded of what he came here to do. He marches forward across the room, ignoring Trish who's calling to him, asking for help in wrangling the horde.

"We need to talk," He hisses in Austin's ear as he comes up behind him.

Austin blinks at him dumbfounded, hands paused mid-air over the myTAB he's holding. "I'm a little busy here, Dez." The parent in front of him has her hands on her hips and his tapping her foot impatiently on the linoleum floor. "Actually, dude, d'you mind asking Trish to come over here and help?"

"We could really use a third set of hands taking these details. Besides, you'll probably be better at settling the crowd than she is. I don't know why she thinks yelling at them will help," Ally chimes in, glancing over only briefly before calling over the next number.

It takes less than a minute for Dez to haul Trish across the store, hand her Austin's myTAB. Both Austin and Trish open their mouths to object but the Latina is cut off by another desperate parent and Austin is silenced by the glare Dez shoots him.

It's only once they're in the calm of the practice room that Austin rounds on Dez. "Can you not see how busy we are downstairs? What could you possibly have to say that could be more important right now?"

"Are you freakin' kidding me?!" Dez snaps, and Austin is taken aback, not that he can be blamed; the redhead has never snapped at him like that before. "I'm your best friend, and even if we weren't _fucking_ , then that alone should be enough for you to drop everything and be there for me when I say I _need_ to talk to you."

"Dez, what's wrong with you?" Austin asks, horrified. His brown eyes are wide and he steps forward as though he wants to reach out for Dez but changes his mind at the last second.

"What's wrong with me is you!" Tears form in Dez's eyes but he wipes them away quickly with the back of his hand. He's done enough crying today, he's not about to do anymore.

Austin lets out a groan, pinching at the bridge of his nose and letting out an annoyed sigh. "Is this about the other night? I thought me not talking to you for a couple of days would have been enough for you to realise I don't want to talk about this."

"Well guess what? I don't care," Dez spits, saliva flying from his mouth as his face contorts in anger. " _I_ want to talk about _this_ , so we're going to talk about this."

There's a wild, almost animalistic, roar from Austin as he storms across the room, hands cupping Dez's cheeks and pulling him in for a searing kiss. For a minute Dez's mind goes blank and he stumbles back, lips responding of their own volition.

And then he remembers.

"No, stop it," He says, pushing Austin away. It's hard not to miss the soft pressure of his lips and the familiar smell of cigarettes and cinnamon. "You can't kiss me every time I say something that scares you. And you can't walk away every time I say something you don't like," He adds as an afterthought as he notices the blond backing towards the door.

"Then what am I supposed to do?" Austin asks, words pleading. He pulls at his hair and it falls slowly into his eyes, it's a lot longer than it was that night at the hotel. "Tell me what I'm supposed to do here, Dez."

"You make a choice," The older boy explains, his electric blue eyes sparkling with the added moisture his heartache provides. "You make a choice between me and Ally. You can't have both of us, Austin. That's not fair. So you be the man I know you can be and you make your decision, and you make it now. Who is it going to be? Ally? Or me?"

"You know it's not that simple," Austin's voice cracks, and Dez can't miss the way his fingers shake, itching towards his back pocket where he knows the boy stores his cancer sticks.

"Yes, it is, Austin! It's so fucking simple. It might not be easy but it is most definitely simple," Dez says, as he silently sends up a prayer to a god he doesn't believe in. He _wants_ to be the one Austin chooses, wants to be the one that spends the rest of his life holding his hand and telling him every day how much he loves him and how special and beautiful he is. "Just pick."

He's tired now and it's evident in his face, dark circles surrounding his eyes give are indicative of more than just a few sleepless nights. Unable to hold himself up any longer Des takes a tentative seat on teal couch he vaguely remembers Ally picking out, more vividly he remembers the day Austin bent him over the back of it and pounded into him relentlessly until he was nothing more than a trembling mess.

"Just choose, please," He begs, holding his face in his hands. He doesn't want Austin to see him cry but he can't hold the tears off any longer. "If you care about me at all, you'll –" Dez never gets to finish his sentence for he is cut off by the weight of Austin sitting down next to him.

Dez looks up into his brown eyes and knows the decision has been made, and it breaks his heart. "Dez, I –" but he won't let Austin speak, just folds into himself and wills the world to stop turning, to let the pain stop hurting.

"It's okay, I understand," Dez sniffs. He knows that the second he walks out the door the tears will flow freely and his only hope is that it's still busy downstairs because he really doesn't want to explain himself to Trish, and definitely not Ally.

When Austin doesn't move Dez repeats himself and it sort of becomes his mantra, playing over and over again in his head; _'It's okay, I understand._ ' But it's not okay, and he doesn't understand. He doesn't get how Austin, if he doesn't love him, could have carried on this way for so long. Doesn't see how someone he had thought to be so sweet, someone he has pledged his heart to, someone who is supposed to be his best friend above all, could have lied to him.

"Dez, if you'd just let me explain –" but again Austin is cut off as Dez raises a hand to silence him.

"I already told you; it's okay. You don't have to explain anything to me, I get it. It's Ally, it's always been Ally. Austin and Ally, your names even sound perfect together," He stands up from the couch, climbing over the table to avoid brushing past Austin. "Really, I'm fine. I have to go, but…" He trails off, wanting to say that they'll 'speak later' but knowing that it won't be possible. How can you continue to be friends with someone that broke you heart? Worse still, how can you stop loving someone that's always going to be an everyday presence in your life?

Austin reaches out for him, his fingertips grazing Dez's shoulder but the redhead is too quick for him. Tears are beginning to seep from his eyes and though he doesn't want to chance getting caught by Ally and Trish, he knows there's no way he can stay in the practice room, no way he can stay with Austin.

His hand catches on the door handle but his hands are shaking so much he can't turn it properly. His door opening capabilities are only made worse by Austin opening his mouth. "I still like you."

Dez's breath hitches in his throat and his mind momentarily toys with the idea of tossing himself out of the second storey window. He doesn't turn around, keeps his eyes firmly fixed on the wood patterns on the door.

"I like you, Dez," Austin continues, apparently taking the other boy's lack of interruption as a clue to go on. "I like you a lot. You're my best friend and I will _always_ like you. And sometimes… sometimes it feels as if 'like' isn't a strong enough word, as if it doesn't even begin to cover the things I feel for you, but I don't know what other word to use."

 _Love_ , Dez thinks, _you could use love._

"And for a long time I was really confused about that. I remember when my mom enrolled me in dance class when I was ten, and I remember taking you with me the one day and feeling so happy that I had someone that didn't judge me for doing something so 'girly', but more than that I remember taking your hand and dancing with you after everyone else had left, and I remember how dancing with you, being with you, was as easy as breathing for me. You don't get that with just anybody, Dez."

"I didn't know what it was back then that made me feel that way, and I really didn't know what it was when I started talking to my mom about how pretty your fucking eyes were. And then the next thing I know is we're fifteen and lying in my bed and there's nothing more in the world that I want to do than hold your hand," Austin says, his hands are gesturing wildly, mostly pointing between himself and Dez, when the redhead finally turns away from the door. It's been a long time since Dez's has seen him look this passionate about something. "But I was stupid and I couldn't just do that and I got so worked up and you were there and you were just so beautiful and I… well, you know what happened next."

Dez nods. "Yeah, I remember. It was nice." Words are failing him and he's too shell-shocked to care too much about how dumb he must sound.

"It was more than nice. It was everything," And Dez thinks he might just soar into the sun at that but he doesn't want to get ahead of himself. "It was every bit of confusion, every bit of happiness and sadness, and every other fucking emotion, that I'd felt for you since I was a kid rolled into one and it was perfect."

"Why didn't you tell me that back then?" Dez asks, stepping away from the door but still making sure to keep his distance from Austin. He doesn't want the boy to panic kiss him again, he's never been great at expressing his feelings, so this is quite the breakthrough for him.

"I was fifteen," Austin says as though that explains everything. When Dez continues to stare at him expectantly he continues. "I was fifteen and scared, I didn't want to be gay. I'd just signed with Starr Records, do you know how many gay superstars he's produced? Zero, that's how many. I didn't want to lose my shot at stardom because I _might_ have had feelings for my best friend. Besides, what if you hadn't felt the same way? It would have fucked up our friendship and I would have lost the person that meant the most to me. It wasn't worth it, so it was just easier to pretend it never happened."

Dez wants to be angry at that but he can't; he'd had his own struggles with coming to terms with who he is. He can't judge Austin for handling things the way he did. Everyone deals with these things differently.

"So you have feelings for me? More than friendship feelings?" Dez says slowly, eyeing Austin carefully.

"Yes," Austin nods, and there's a hopeful look forming on his face because he thinks he's off the hook. "I like you. I like you a lot."

"If you like me so much then why are you with Ally?" Dez shoots back, folding his arms over his chest in apprehension. Despite how easily his heart had melted as Austin's story, he's still having a hard time accepting the parts afterwards. He understands fifteen year old Austin, but he feels incapable of wrapping his head around eighteen year old Austin.

Austin squeezes his eyes shut for a second as though he's in pain, and Dez fights hard to swallow the lump that's formed in his throat because suddenly he knows this next part can't be good. "' _Because if you love two people at the same time you should choose the second one because if you really loved the first one you wouldn't have fallen for the second_.'"

"Is that Johnny Depp quote?"

"That's not the point, Dez."

"No, the point is that Johnny Depp has been engaged six times and married three! The man is hardly the person to go to for relationship advice," The older boy argues, astounded by Austin's inability to think for himself. "What does your heart say?"

"I don't know," Austin says looking at his shoes, scuffing them against the floor until they squeak.

"You do know, you just have to listen," Dez tells him. There's a commotion from downstairs but there isn't time for that now. This is what's important. "Just listen."

Austin looks up, his eyes locking with Dez's and it takes everything in Dez not to spill his guts then and there. He wants to scream at the blond and tell him to pick him. Wants to tell him to forget this entire conversation ever happened and that he's okay with being a dirty little secret if it means he gets to keep even just a little bit of Austin's heart.

It's only as Dez's is giving up hope, preparing to either walk out the door or give in to his needy and downright pathetic heart, that Austin does something. Dez had been hoping for the boy to actually speak but instead he rushes forward and there's a short second where it looks as if he's going to glide out of the door and into Ally's awaiting arms, and frankly Dez's heart nearly stops, but he doesn't.

He marches straight up to Dez, stopping only when their faces are mere inches apart and says, "I always want to be this close to your face." And then he leans in, pressing their lips together in a way that's so reminiscent of their first kiss that Dez wants to cry.

Eventually they have to pull away for air, though Austin's face stays just as close to Dez's, and the blond intertwines their hands as if to make a point. "Does this mean you pick me?"

"What do you think?" Austin hums, stealing another quick kiss. His lips are upturned, happiness radiating from his every pore.

"I think I kind of want to hear what your heart told you," Dez admits, resting his forehead against Austin's. "You know, for science and all that."

The blond snorts and rolls his eyes, but his tiny fond smile has appeared and Dez can feel his heart practically explode with delight. "I told you already. My heart always wants me to be this close to your face, but in case that isn't clear enough for you…" He trails off, pressing his lips to Dez's and kissing him painfully slowly. Lips moving lazily, every exchange cherished. " _I love you_."

And with those three words the world stops turning.

Or at least it does until Austin's lips are on his own again and Dez remembers how to breathe.


End file.
